Today was a good day. Today I had bucket loads of energy, feeling positive, enthusiastic and looking forward to the future. But not every day is positive. Despite all my best efforts to smile, and keep the positive attitude somedays – it just gets you.
There I was flying about in the early days of last week, but on Thursday I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I cannot explain cancer associated fatigue. I can only describe a situation where by making even a sandwich seems the most difficult task, actually seems impossible. Stuck to the sofa, watching the food chanel again and eventually giving in and going to bed.
I never really want to go to bed during the day. It reminds me of the really sick days. My children don’t like to see me in bed during the day, they ask me ” what’s wrong mam”. I explain its the fatigue hoping that they believe me.
And then with the tiredness comes a little bit of sadness, you become overwhelmed with the situation. Yes I made it, yes I am healthy and here, as I say over the ground and not under but sometimes, those times when tiredness comes I look in the mirror and hate myself. Yes I know this sounds terrible but it is the truth.
Weight gain, one boob and the worst hair style ever. Actually the one boob I can cope with. but the weight gain and worst hair style…that’s another story. There are days I don’t want to leave the house, or go anywhere too public in case I meet anyone I know. The shops that I go to and the times I go there are planned to be the quiet times. God forbid if anyone saw the state of me. ( I am sure this surprises you).
And then the guilt kicks in. Guilty that I should be even thinking this way – am I flying in the face of god complaining about things that I should be Grateful for. I am so lucky to be in the position I am in, I am not fading off the face of the earth, I am no longer bald, I have a future, I have hope. But you see when I feel like this, on these crappie days, tired to the point of being sick and not able to see the wood from the trees. Nothing makes sense, nothing seems right.
With cancer I lost my identity. Sinead Whyte – the girl with the long black hair, Sinead Whyte, yeah always trying to lose weight but looking back never really a hippo. Sinead Whyte loving new clothes shopping in our great penny’s 😁, loved the hols and the tan that came with it, and Sinead Whyte who loved a great party ( bit of a party animal really 🙈).
But I am still the same Sinead Whyte, and when I have my good days I don’t see extra pounds on my backside or a shitty hair style. I see a strong, brave, happy, Sinead Whyte, I see a wife, mam, daughter, sister, friend who is the same as all the amazing women and men I have met through this trip. All brave people, all fighters and all dealing with their own struggles, their own fears, their own anger, but all just trying to do their best, deal with a new normal and are just glad every day to put one foot on the ground and be here.
I am glad, so happy to be here, of course I know how blessed and lucky I am, most days are good, some even great but when those bad days come they are just another test, another little blip, you get through them, you put them behind you and you promise they will never ever beat you.!
The Lonely Boob 