Hi all,
It’s been a while since my last little blog, it seems I now know what writers block is, I was actually lost for words. Well not exactly lost for words but just didn’t know what to tell you about next.
Would I talk about the baldy head and my eventual loathing of headscarfs, would I talk about the joys of the good days during chemo, would I talk about watching Love Island every night with my daughter or would I talk about my bestest family in the whole world and the abundance of food forever arriving at the door.
So after a few weeks of humming and hawing I have decided to talk about some of them. This could be a long one so buckle up. 😊
So not too long ago I told you about the girl in the mirror, I think a few people were a tad sad reading about the tough stuff , the rotten , sickening stuff that a cancer patient goes through during treatment . And of course you would be sad, nobody wants to think of someone they know and love, or even like, lying on a floor in smithereens while drugs ravage their body killing everything possible.
But you see on your good days during treatment, then the bad days pale into insignificance. Someone said to me once that going through chemo is like giving birth . You go through hell and back but once its over its like it never happened. I openly admit that when some days were so bad I thought that if my cancer came back then I would not be able to go through treatment again. Of course sitting here tonight , if my cancer was to show its ugly rotten face again, well then yes of course I would brace myself and go through whatever necessary , no matter what.
Now throughout the summer of 2018 basically I was sick as a small hospital, the sweat was pouring off me and my mouth was like a slurry pit for a number of days after every chemo session. Remember that summer?, the hottest in donkeys years, 40 odd or so, well how delighted was I too be having chemo, to be honest I really thought that on good days I would be sitting under an umbrella in Ballymacaw ( my favourite place), and that I would be eating crisp sandwiches and drinking bottles of pop on little outings. Not to be . The heat was torture, I lay in bed, my husband had bought me a cooling fan type thing but while it helped a bit , it didnt really make that much difference to the 150 degrees that my body felt like.
Those were the bad days, but, there were good days and most of the time food was involved. Now I was not a foodaholic before my treatment but believe me when you get a little break from the slurry pit feeling in your mouth food was just pure heaven.
I actually cannot explain the feeling and taste in your mouth from chemo, it is vile -, you have mouth wash, and drops to take a number of times a day. Vile, Vile Vile..I often had dinner times where I would cry trying to eat the fish and chip my poor hubbie would have bought for me . He would do his best , bringing me down a dinner to the bedroom, – did I want salt?, did I want ketchup?, did I want water?, did I want anything that might make me feel better. My answer was always ” no im grand”.
And this is where the bestest family in the whole world came in to play. To say meals and wheels is an understatement . A knock at the door, and one of my aunties standing there with , georgous dinners from Ardkeen stores, ready to put in the oven – just for reheating, standing there with chicken casserole , all ready to go – just pop it in the microwave , standing there with apple tart, chocolate eclairs, Keylime pie and the Holy Grail – Shepards Pie. Sweet mary I could not always enjoy the meals but when I could , it was like a little piece of heaven on earth..And then the really good days during treatment, going for a meal and the joy of a piece of salmon and glass of wine, the absolute feeling of happiness going for dinner with family ( a bar-b-que in this case), a burger and chips , pure heaven. Yes there were the up days, I would feel fantastic, well at least my version of fantastic, I could venture out, I would hop, skip and jump, with the excitment of feeling good..this is the yoyo effect of chemo, up and down, down and up.
And then I discovered the joy of Ice pops , tubs of Ice cream and Lemon Drizzle cake. Ice pops, helping to cool me down and take the slurry taste from my mouth , Lemon Drizzle cake – I can still remember the day my aunt arrived with her homemade Lemon drizzle cake..and custard, I was having a good day and this tasted like the best thing ever, and then the tubs of Ice-cream, the tubs with the pink and green drizzle. My sister Clare would often bring me for a spin. We would stop at the shop and get the tubs, head for the guillamene and sit and relish in the coldness and deliciousness of the ice-cream tub.
Now remember these were the rare occassions – just to confirm that I was not eating all of the above on a regular basis . But when I could taste , that one spoon of shepards pie, that one slice of cake, that one burger sitting in the sun with family, feeling good and feeling happy. These were the very simple joys of chemo life that so outweighted the negatives.
And then the days I potted plants, the days I could bring the children to and from places with friends, the days I could make my way to the sitting room and watch tv with the door open and the sun streaming in. I could not sit in the sun but I sure could feel it. The days I could venture to tesco’s ( where, by the way ,the staff in Tesco Ballybeg, Waterford are the best retail staff ever). And the days I could simply feel somewhat like myself despite everything.
You see while the side effects of chemo could be absolutely horrendous , there were always the good days. And you make the most of the good days. And let me tell you when your mouth tastes like a slurry pit and the energy is low, well then the days the taste is good and the energy is high it is better than any drug. The simple Joys, they mean so much and when you come out the other side of this you never look at shepards pie and lemon drizzle cake the same again. 😊😊😊
The Lonely Boob 