Legs

I never had the best pair of legs. In fact my husband often said he had seen better legs in the zoo. It’s ok I was never offended as this was a private joke between us.

But my legs were strong. At one point I could run 10 miles including uphills, I could clamber up any hillside,climb 500 steps and never had a problem dancing the night away.

This march I will be four years cancer free. At least I hope I will be four years cancer free. The dreaded annual mammogram of the Lonely Boob will confirm this. But even four years later my treatment and drugs still cause side effects and probably always will.

While going through my treatment and for a long time after I struggled to get up out of a chair. I would tell the company I was in to bare with me as my legs were stiff. I could not walk up a stairs not even two steps without holding onto a bannister,and walking up a hill resulted in wobbly legs and pain for some time after. I never have and never will complain about any of this as I was and am so happy in the here and now regardless.

But little did I think that four years down the line I would still feel effects of my surgery, treatment, and drugs I now take, sometimes in the most awful ways , sometimes in the most bizarre and sometimes in downright difficult but funny ways. Apart from being a boob short there are many new little things that are now part of life.Chemo Fog, Lymphoedema,sore feet,two recent bouts of cellulitis,blasts of fatigue and well yes the poor legs still struggle.

I can walk for miles on the flat. In fact my job requires that I am on the move all day, walking people from A to B. It makes me happy to be active and moving but God forbid if I had to tackle a flight of stairs in work then panic and dread would ensue. Thank God for the humble elevator.

You see I have no strength in my upper legs, none, zero,nada. Sometimes I get embarrassed if I cannot climb up steps as well as those I am walking with. Sometimes I don’t want to stop and rest as I might just look unfit. Sometimes I am so delighted to be able to walk a flight of stairs without help. I now can walk the stairs in my sister’s house ( I live in a Bungalow). I don’t need to hold onto the bannister and this makes me so happy. In the last few years there have been a number of occasions where my legs failed me and despite the mortification it was just too funny.

If you can try to imagine this scene.

My sister Clare was taking part in a Duathalon in Tramore ,a seaside town close to my home. Myself and my other sister Elaine delightedly went to cheer Clare and the other participants on. All fine athletes. There is a promenade in tramore, accessable from each end and a number of steps dotted along to help you get onto the prom from the road. Most however if somewhere along the road with no steps can easily hop up onto the prom. So there we were all enthusiastic and encouraging to those completing their endeavor when we decided to move from the side of the road onto the prom. Elaine made some small strides,and with a hop skip and jump had landed gracefully on the prom. Then it was my turn. No hop skip or jump here. I strolled over,assessed the height I needed to achieve and decided to give it a whirl. My intended technique was left leg first to be followed by my right leg. Bad plan! The left leg brought me to a point of no return but the rest of the plan died. I found myself on all fours, arse in the air unable to go back but unable to get up. My sister on seeing my struggle tried to get me up but this would be the equivalent of lifting three bags of spuds with your little finger. Nothing was happening. Then we started to laugh. Now laughing is really not helpful in a situation like this. So there I was for all to see and I have no doubt that many of the spectators and participants were saying” look at yer woman,is she trying to belly crawl across the prom”. I was Scarlett for myself and eventually with great effort and the help of a bench to cling onto and Elaine to assist I became upright.

Then there was the day at the beach. All delighted,same sister and niece and nephew. Gourmet picnic, best picnic rugs and perfect quite spot, away from the crowds. I like my peace and quite I do. Time for a swim. So out we go making our way between the small scattering of rocks. It was like ” tip toe though the tulips” Not!

And then it happened. I lost my footing and fell. Not a big hard and fast fall but more a slow wibble wobble, oh oh fall. There I was once again arse in the air, same sister , and niece and nephew all open mouthed as I tried to no avail to get up. Every small wave that came my way rolled me back to where I started. What seemed like an eternity,dignity lost in the waves I was eventually rescued by the sister and 6 and 9 year old. A combined effort to get the poor aul one out of the water. I eventually made it out for a glorious swim and to tell the truth the mortification was worth it. More recently with great excitement I was part of an outdoor performance with the choir I am part of. Singing in the city at Christmas time, had the little hot toddy then made our way to the stage. Once again I was left assessing the situation as it needed a good high step with the legs to get onto the stage. In panic all I could do was grab onto the microphone in front of me and pray and hope that I would not pull it down. Must have been some microphone stand as I managed to get there and then spent the whole performance trying to figure out how to get down again. I had to ask one of the festival crew to help me down. I am sure he must have thought I had notions as I held out my arm like for assistance. But he saved the day.

Yesterday after a tough and sad day I spoke to a friend. We spoke about the cruelty of life and how unfair life can be. We spoke about how we complain about the small stuff, the stuff that really does not matter but as humans that is what we do. It is part of us,part of every day. But we spoke of what we are grateful for. I found myself saying I was grateful that I had two legs that got me out of bed each day and when I think about it they have not really failed me but carry me every day to live my life,maybe without mountains and great hills but to stand proud when needed, walk to hug someone when needed, run even slowly to reach a destination, escort people who are worried or scared to attend their appointment and tuck them under me for comfort when snuggled up.

You know what I love my legs…even if you will see better legs in the zoo.