The Twins

I have never written a blog about the Twins before. Thomas and Ellen my two beautiful babies who arrived into the world too early and left soon after.

But for some reason I have spent many hours in the last while reliving event’s nearly 21 years ago and asking questions to which I know there will be no answers.

The Twins are in my mind every day. At one point I thought I would never recover from their loss. Lying on the kitchen floor,my sister by my side, crying that I would never see them again. At times I wanted to go to the grave and pull at the soil to get to them for one last touch.

It all started nearly 21 years ago. Our first pregnancy. The Dr carrying out the routine ultrasound and you holding your breath waiting to see if everything ok. Is the baby ok?. And then with a huge smile ” so here we have the baby”… little heartbeat, little legs and feet and then..”and here we have baby two”. Sorry what now, did you say baby two. Mother of Jesus.. twins.

We walked out through the waiting room, shocked but thrilled scan pictures in hand,so excited to share our news. And share we did,first mam and Dad..then all the family and friends..we would need to start preparing for our two. Two of everything would be needed along with countless baby grows,vests, nappies, blankets,bibs,let alone double buggy,cots and possibly new car. Dad retired in order to be able to help with the minding of the twins when I went back to work. Oh the excitement. Three months gone,four months gone,five months gone. God I was struggling. These two must be some Buster’s.

Then one day in work things didn’t seem right. Off I went to the GP who suggested we go to the hospital just to be on the safe side. I spent 4 nights in hospital with a bad kidney infection and then told I could go home. I told the Dr I had lower back pain but was assured all was well.

Back home, bathroom floor,pain,my husband ringing my dad.. something bad was happening. Dad drove us back to the hospital. Myself and Mike in the back . Me crying” I don’t want to lose my babies”and mam reaching back from the passenger seat. ” You won’t love, everything will be ok”. We arrived at a&e and dad jumped and ran soon returning with a porter,nurse and trolley. Into the maternity ward, monitors, Doctors, Nurse’s, and all the while being told I was not in Labor. But after some time the Gynae on call appeared , injection given for the twins lungs,the twins were on the way.

And then the world was turned upside down. Two teams of Doctors,one for each twin all appearing,all introducing themselves to me,and me at this point high on drugs telling them all it was like an episode of E.R. as they were all Georgous…God bless the drugs 🙈. The Twins were born. A boy and a girl. I could see the tiny incubators and little feet in the air. I could see what turned out to be my son doing a wee which shot up in the air..and then they were whisked away. The Gynae explained that the babies had little chance and the possible complications if they survived. And then my dad arrived. He knew something was not right and had come back to the hospital. My consultant shook his hand and said he could only offer him tea,but he would think he needed something stronger. Dad held my hand and it is a moment I will never ever forget. We knew .

It wasn’t long before our babies lost their battle. Our family got to meet them,say hello and than goodbye. Our closest friends got to meet them and then we had to say goodbye. A basket,white cardigans, tiny white knitted hats. We kissed their faces and held their tiny hands. Perfect in every way. Absolutely perfect,my son Thomas with Downey fair hair and my daughter Ellen ,black hair just like me. Dad had contacted a local undertaker to get the small white coffin. I will never forget Mr Thompson ..no charge he said ..we have enough who pass in very old age who pay for those who never get a chance.

We buried Thomas and Ellen just ourselves,mam,dad and my two uncle’s who were there to help lay the coffin. I had decided I wanted a mass for our two. I wanted them to be remembered I wanted them to matter. To this day I will never forget those who arrived to support us and honour our babies. I will be forever grateful.

So I sit here crying. I don’t know why. I feel I should have shouted more, fought harder, been more assertive,shouted at the Dr . “I am in labour”..I don’t blame the Doctor’s or Nurse’s ,that won’t help ,but I was never pregnant before and the Dr should have known.

The Twins were born on July 21st ,not due until November and lo and behold here I was again pregnant with a baby due in November. A complicated pregnancy,three months spent bed bound in hospital which resulted in the birth of my beautiful blond haired baby josh. No hanging around here another few months down the line and here I was again expecting again in november. I was a bit mortified to be pregnant again so soon after having Josh but I blame Michael Whyte for that 😱 I sat in the garden one day with my dad and he said” you know you are going to have a girl”,and right he was. Sarah arrived into the world like a bat out of hell one week before her brother’s first birthday..our Irish Twins. Who would have thought.

Josh and Sarah are my everything. Josh,his own man,black or white,strong in opinions,says it as it is,a loyal friend and kind , especially to his nanny. Sarah,my best friend,a beauty in every way, determined,hard working,funny, honest, both different and unique and both loved beyond words. I look forward to seeing Josh and Sarah going on to lead their own lives soon, hopefully following their dreams whatever they may be. But my God will I miss them,😭

Perhaps this is why the twins are so apparent in my mind right now. Is it the fact that Josh and Sarah are now getting ready to start off on their journey that I am contiplating saying goodbye in a different way?,is it that I am wondering what path Thomas and Ellen would have chosen?. Is it that I would fight tooth and nail for Josh and Sarah and feel I didn’t for Thomas and Ellen?. Or is it because thinking of Thomas and Ellen I realize every day how lucky I am to have my two with me who I can plan with, hope for,cry for,be cross with,argue with and debate the great topics like “to vaccinate or not to vaccinate”.

My four children Thomas and Ellen as we call them ” our little two”, Josh and Sarah our blessings here. I am blessed that from each of them I have grown as a person,I have learnt what loss and hope feels like, I have learnt that I can survive the toughest of times but that I can celebrate the great and trying occasions with my children. Above all else I believe that the world works in strange and wonderful ways. Despite heartache and immense pain I have been blessed to have absolute happiness and even though Thomas and Ellen are not here with us I believe they are looking after us and they will forever be part of our lives. Our little two ❤️